you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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