Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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