Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
