I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
