we have pet lesbian snakes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Did I show you my penis last night?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It was like giving head to a cactus.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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