My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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