Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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