You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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