Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
