I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
