Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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