She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.