Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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