do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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