go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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