once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
