she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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