In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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