I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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