she woke up with a sticky ear
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
