thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
