I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
