I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
