how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
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