So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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