Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
