Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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