I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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