I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
