textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag