Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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