If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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