My underwear smells like fireworks.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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