Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
