Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
