i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
