I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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