so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He passed out mid-signature
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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