Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
