Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
now i know why i became what i already was.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
