I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
