There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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