Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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