these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.