I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
