I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
