I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
