i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
