There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
