Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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