did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
