Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
