i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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