how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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