Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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