I feel great
I just peed on a car
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
