dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
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It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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