so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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